The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
