and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
