shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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