I hate your face
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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