Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
only if we run a train.
done.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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