i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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