I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
