Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
