I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
