I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
