No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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