I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
