Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
