kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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