Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
