On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Randomize
