Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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