I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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