I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
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