Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
