I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
