sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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