So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
