I will die if light touches me.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
