No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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