so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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