i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
