woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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