Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
