Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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