We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Dicks are not precious.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize