I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
