I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
