the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
