just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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