He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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