Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
