I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
