I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
