Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I don't deserve a penis
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
