He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
