Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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