Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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