meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
