The maid of honor just puked.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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