Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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