someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
