sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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