i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
