you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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