And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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