I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
