remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
