Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
