Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
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