I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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